OCD & identity

[Sian]

1. Hi my daughter identifies as a girl but has asked us to use they/them pronouns. At the weekend they asked if they could change their name. My child has OCD themes of contamination/moral (not religious but avoids anything related to pregnancy) & just right. I feel undermined by school etc who have renamed them. I am concerned that this is part of OCD and before I accept the name change I feel it should be explored in therapy. I am wondering if changing their name is part of contamination avoidance. Or should I just accept this and ride with it. Help! If my child didn’t have OCD I would accept this without question. I am working on becoming a gps so feel I need to raise the question.

[Natasha]

Hi Sian,
I would ask what their thoughts are around the name and pronoun change to see if you get OCD type of answers or other reasons for the change.

[Sian]

Thanks Natasha that is useful advice. I explored it on our car drive this eve. They tell me they looked in the mirror and felt that the new name suits them better. They’d asked their previous friend group to use their middle name as a nickname & they hadn’t. They have a new friend group now so wanted a new nick name. I do think partly it is a compulsion to eradicate the feeling of contamination or to make things feel right. They have a new sentence whenever I mention OCD “We don’t talk about it.” which came from the new friend group. Whenever, an OCD behaviour shows itself when they are with the group that’s what they say back.

[Natasha]

The answers they give sound more in line with typical answers you hear vs OCD. I wonder what they mean by “we don’t talk about it?” Are they not able to talk about OCD at all anymore?

[Sian]

That’s good to know.

Out of interest what would an OCD answer look like in this case?

“We don’t talk about it” is a way of shutting the conversation down. Last week they were able to talk about OCD this week I am just hearing this phrase. I have started reducing my accommodations around OCD and this is the push back I think. Apparently they can talk to teachers in school more at the moment because they don’t talk about OCD whereas I do. Am I pushing too quick maybe? I worked through a lot of the parenting a child with OCD course last week so maybe I went too hard & too fast. They are not able to hear OCD mentioned this week but are doing lots of wins against OCD. I.e. touching the car door with hands instead of feet. Attending school for longer. Staying in school clothes for longer. Managing to sit by people in school without panicking that they are touching.

[Natasha]

An OCD answer would indicate some distress around their OCD theme. Like, “I didn’t like my name, it made me anxious and reminds me I can get pregnant.” That’s just an example, but something that might point towards their OCD theme.

I would perhaps go a bit slower so they don’t actively push against you and all that you are doing to help them.

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